Co-Parenting: Transitioning back to school

Kids walking to school with backpacks.

This time of year can be tough.

Transitioning out of summer routines and into the more structured routines of school can be a stressful time for parents and children. This transition becomes even more complicated for co-parents as they work to coordinate their schedules so that both might be involved in their child’s life. This transition also increases the need for communication between co-parents as they coordinate school costs, school pictures, parent-teacher conferences, school events, homework tasks and more. The increased need for communication also can increase the opportunity for miscommunication and conflict between co-parents.

1. Consider a written contract to clarify expectations.
It is important to have clear and understood expectations between co-parents before or as soon as possible after the children return to school. An agreed upon written contract between co-parents can be an effective way to clarify expectations. This contract can address the ways both parents have determined they can best support their child.

2. Set up situations so everyone wins.
It is important to remember to set up win-win situations for both parents. When both parents are included and involved, the child wins too! The following are some areas you may want to plan for to set up win-win situations for you and your child:

• Determine how school expenses will be split among parents.
• Determine who will pick up and take your child(ren) to school.
• Determine the arrangements when school is out of session for holidays, teacher work days, etc.
• Determine how parents will be notified of school events. If there is a school newsletter or email list, ensure both parents’ addresses or email addresses are included.
• Determine how homework will be addressed. If the child(ren) have mid-week visitation with the noncustodial parent, it is important both parents support schoolwork that needs to be done during the time the child is with each parent.
• Determine how you want to handle parent-teacher conferences. Both parents may attend together, or each parent easily can have an individual conference.
• Make sure both parents have an equal opportunity to order school photos, yearbooks, etc. Each parent should have access to order forms.

3. Participate in mediation if negotiation fails.
If you are finding it difficult to communicate with your co-parent about the back to school transition. Or, if you can’t seem to find win-win situations for your child, then mediation may be an option for you. Mediators are trained professionals who help two parties who disagree come to a workable agreement for both parties. To learn more about mediation programs in you area click here or visit our resource page on the Co-parenting for Resilience website.

Transitioning back into the school routine can be stressful, but you can avoid the back to school blues by setting clear expectations with your co-parent! Need more help?
Co-parenting is hard. We’re here to help! Learn more about the Co-parenting for Resilience Program, part of the Extension mission of Oklahoma State University’s College of Education & Human Sciences.

Parenting with Natural Consequences

Parents often get tired of telling their children what to do and how to live their lives. Not only does this become overwhelming, but it is also less effective than allowing your child to learn from their experiences and mistakes. Overprotective parents often prevent their children from learning how to bounce back from failure or how to learn to make better choices down the road.  Allowing children to instead experience the natural consequences of their actions teaches how to make choices and be responsible. In essence, they are choosing the consequences of their own decisions. Natural consequences are the inevitable result of a child’s own actions. It is important that the child is responsible for their own choices and that the consequences not be administered by the parent. You as a parent are simply stepping back and letting their experience the consequence of their actions.  The following are some examples of how these may be implemented: Despite dad’s urging, Susan did not bring her clothes to the laundry room to be washed. As a result, Susan does not have clean clothes to wear to school. Against mom’s warnings, Tim left his favorite toy out where his 2-year-old brother would be able to play with it. Tim’s brother broke the toy while he was trying to play with it. As a result, Tim’s favorite toy is now broken. Mom has repeatedly suggested, John practice the piano each day before his next piano lesson. John refused to practice and instead played video games with his friends. As a result, John was not prepared for his piano lesson, got in trouble by his piano teacher, and was not able to play in an upcoming piano recital. Allow your child to spend his money as soon as he earns it, consequence is that he’ll run out of money and won’t have the money to participate in another activity that comes along later. Allow a 7-year-old to cheat at a board game with his sister, consequence is that his sister won’t play board games with him anymore. When using natural consequences, it is important to keep the following in mind. Is the consequence safe? If the consequence is not safe for the child to experience, then it is clearly the parent’s responsibility to intervene and protect their child.  Also, parents need to determine if they are willing to allow the consequence to occur (you may not be willing to let your children ruin their expensive dress shoes out in the mud to teach them a lesson). Is the consequence age appropriate?  Children under 3 will have a much harder time understanding the consequences of their actions than an older child and will likely need more parental protection from their actions. Be firm in the consequence.  As long as the consequence is safe and you are willing to let it occur, don’t save your child from experiencing the consequence.  Remember, you are not punishing them.  This is done in a calm environment where you let them experience the consequence of their own choices. Use Empathy. For parents, empathy is the ability to put themselves in their child’s shoes and then respond accordingly. Using empathy includes: being aware of your child’s emotion, recognizing the emotion as teaching opportunity, listening to and validating your child’s feelings, and helping your child label their emotion. Help your child problem solve and set limits. Take the time to explain the consequences of your child’s choice and help them think of options on how they can best solve the current situation and chose different positive consequences in the future. Praise your child when they make good choices.  As soon as a child corrects a behavior and makes a better choice, make sure you reinforce it by praising them for their good choices. Using natural consequences can be very effective in helping children learn how to make healthy choices and ultimately become more responsible adults.  Likewise, research has shown natural consequences are related with healthier child development and decreased parent child power struggles. The price your child pays today to learn about commitment, decision making, responsibility, and relationships is the cheapest it will ever be.  Today is the time to help your child learn through their experiences before the consequences of their decisions cost too much!

Working Through Tough Issues

Working Through Tough Issues Logically, most parents are in a better position than the court system when it comes to knowing what’s best for their children.  However, many divorcing parents become so focused on their own need to “win” that they can never agree on anything and make those important needed decisions. That strong competitive spirit may also continue after the divorce is finalized and changes in custody or the divorce decree are often required.  Judges will do the best they can when you and your co-parent can’t agree on what is best for your child, but this may not be the best decision for your child. Meditation is a cost-effective alternative to expensive lawyer’s fees and court costs. Mediators are experienced professionals specially trained to help two disagreeing parties come to a workable solution. While lawyers are paid to win, mediators are paid to make sure both parties win, which is almost always better for the children. Mediation allows co-parents to discuss difficult issues and come to an agreement about what is best for the children. It continues to be a good option as your children grow older and additional changes are needed in your parenting agreement as well. Consider using mediation during these times to help create smooth transitions for your child. For more information on mediation in Oklahoma, click on these handouts:  Oklahoma Early Settlement Mediation Directory  Mediation Information for Participants Rules for Mediation Creating a Parenting Plan Worksheet

The Ugly D Word

The ugly D word: Divorce.  Nobody walks down the aisle thinking that one day they will be divorcing the person they are about to marry. Unfortunately, many couples in Oklahoma do eventually divorce.  Close to 40% of adults in Oklahoma who have ever been married have also divorced. We all know that divorce is difficult. It is difficult for both parties. It is even more difficult for the children. Divorce is actually quite traumatic for children involved.

Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service actually offers a workshop to help divorcing couples learn ways to lessen the trauma for their children. I teach this class in Lincoln County, and I wanted to share a little about it.

9 out of 10 parents unintentionally make their divorce harder for their children. Here are a few things to consider if you are going through a divorce. These are things to NOT do:

1) Do not use the children to get back at their other parent. This is like hitting rocks with a baseball bat.  Sure, the rocks fly, but the bat is damaged as well… sometimes beyond repair.

2) Do not make plans with your children and then break them. This could cause or increase feelings of abandonment, which can be linked to severe mental health problems.

3) Do not scream and fight with each other in front of the kids.This creates stress and anxiety for children, which can lead to many physical and mental health problems. Children love both of their parents and don’t want to hear bad things about either of them.

4) Do not ask the kids to choose. Even if your child’s other parent was horrible to you, they are still a part of your child. Hurting your ex-spouse by keeping the kids from him/her hurts your children as well. (Obvious exceptions include drug use or trafficking, abuse, sexual deviance or violence.  Keep your kids safe no matter what.)

5) Do not talk to the kids about your troubles.  They are simply not old enough or mature enough to deal with that.  They will want to help you, but this won’t help anyone. If you need someone to talk to, seek help from another adult (friend, relative, or professional) Let kids be kids.

6) If you need to change visitation schedules, try your best to work that out with your ex. Be flexible when you can, and your ex-spouse will be more likely to be flexible when you need it.

7) Do not send a new boyfriend/girlfriend to pick the kids up or babysit. Your kids want to see YOU, not someone else.

8) Do not ask your children to deliver messages to their other parent. This puts them in a very awkward position, and it is much more likely that the message will not be delivered properly.

9) Do not pump the kids for information about their other parent. This may make them feel that they are having to choose, or betraying their other parent. It also takes time away from more important things like talking to your kids about their day and what is important to them.

10) Do not focus on what you dislike about your ex-partner. Instead, direct your energy toward benefiting your kids.

If you or someone you know is currently going through a divorce, and are interested in more information on this subject, please contact your County Extension Office.  If you are unsure how to find the extension office, leave a comment or send an email to me.  I am more than happy to help you find the contact information!